Tuesday, July 29, 2008

World History 101

For those of you who missed World History in school.....

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer, elk, bear, and other wild
animals in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast
and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important
events in all of history were the discovery of grain and the invention
of the wheel. Once grain was available, it led immediately to the
discovery of beer. The wheel was invented to get man to the ! beer
more quickly. These were the foundations of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: 1) Liberals, and 2) Conservatives. Neither the
glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early
humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some
men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now
known as the Conservative movement. Other men -- who were weaker and
less skilled at hunting --learned to live off the conservatives by
showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing thesewing, fetching, hair
dressing, and dancing around the fire. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. (Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men.) Some noteworthy Liberal
a! chievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives
provided. Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. The
jackass symbolizes Liberals. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with
a slice of lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled
water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu,
and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary e note: most Liberal women have higher testosterone
levels and hairier legs than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group
herapists are liberals. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big
game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officer! s, corporate executives,
athletes, Sailors, Soldiers, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little
or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do
with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe
when Conservatives were coming to America. These Liberals crept in
after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get
more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history. It
should be noted that a Liberal might have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it; this is because he is more
feminine and touchier than a conservative. A Conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that
it will be forwarded immediately to other true belie! vers and to more
Liberals just to piss them off.

All this is true, except. Somehow we got a president that acts like a conservative mixed with a monkey and a donkey. I dont get it. I bet the Liberals put something in his trough. haha

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